Child-parents communication and its impact on children in adulthood

Today’s article will give you some different perspectives about children-parents communication and its impact on children in adulthood.

Child-parents relationship

Child-parents relationship begins before the delivery day, simply because children are first symbolically born in their parents’ desire and wish to create them. Here it is important to highlight that parents usually have utopic views regarding how life will be with a baby. These views change when the reality start replacing the expectations.

What happens when a baby is born?

Baby’s delivery brings unconditional love and happiness but also sleepless nights; a range of organisational, social and professional challenges; as well as a completely different approach of family and loving relationship between mum and dad. The above challenges are often strengthened by our dynamic lifestyle and the society we live in. This is why facing the gap between expectation and reality is so tough.

What are the consequences of parents' beliefs?

During the past decade, I have been working with many families describing feelings of guilt, sadness, and unsatisfaction regarding the way they raise their children. I have also worked with clients saying that they dislike or even hate their parents because the latter did not give them what they wanted and what they needed. The majority of them stated that they suffer from low self-esteem because their parents did not raise them like they should.

Is this statement correct?

Well, this statement can be quite confusing. It is correct that the more loving and strong the relationship between the children and the parents is, the higher their self-esteem will be. But there is another aspect that often remains hidden and undiscussed. It is the responsibility that every human being has regarding their own life. This means that parents have their limits and there is no guarantee that a child raised in a loving environment will not develop mental health issues or at risk behaviours in adulthood. I would also say that sometimes the most perfect parents raise the most difficult children.

How is this possible?

Sometimes, too much love between parents and children destroys the power of love. This means that it is healthier not to give enough love than give too much. It sounds paradoxical and provocative, doesn’t it? Let me explain what I mean.

British paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott dedicated his career to study mother-child communication and relationship. He focused on the fact that the above relationship must not be perfect.

The aspect of imperfection is essential because it enables children to gain autonomy and build their identity. When the mother is always around, guiding and telling her children how and what to do; having high expectations, observing and making comments and remarks, this behaviour can potentially foster the development of mental health or behavioural issues in children later on. But when the mother gives freedom to her children (here freedom doesn’t mean neglecting or not being interested in children’s development), she gives them the opportunity to look for other adults that they can imitate and be like. Generally, these are the teachers at school, siblings, uncles, cousins, and also the peers. Children start to understand that they are no longer emotionally fully dependent on their parents.

Young children consider everything their parents say as universal truth, no matter if parents’ comments are logic, emotionally charged, false, reward or punishment-orientated. If a mother says to her son: “You need to work harder at school because you are not good enough”, the child’s understanding can be the following: “My mum thinks that I am stupid. If she thinks this, this means that I really am”. This is how such words hinder the development of children’s self-esteem. It is nobody’s fault. It is a wrong understanding of a wrongly formulated statement. However if the same child is autonomous enough and able to include other points of view, he will probably think: “Oh my mum seems disappointed of my school performance. I need to make more effort because my uncle said that I am very smart but a bit lazy”. Same situation but very different outcome.

Being a good enough mother is better than trying to be a perfect mother. The idea of being ‘good enough’ enables your child to gain autonomy and to look for role models outside the immediate family circle. It also allows the mums to release the pressure that they put on themselves.

If you would like to learn more about parenting, don't hesitate to get in touch on: info@angelpsychology.com.

If you want to learn more about parenting styles, don't miss my article, entitled: "Parenting differences when raising a child" that you can access here. You might also be interested in knowing how to reinforce your children's emotional intelligence. You can access this information here.

With warm wishes,

Dr Ivanka Ezhova

Founder of Angel Psychological Therapy - Online Psychological Therapy