Is it possible to remove painful experiences from the past?

My private clients often ask me: how to remove negative experiences and feelings from the past? From a psychological perspective, it is not possible to delete any past situation. This action is not possible nor is it recommended.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

This means that if someone had experienced difficult or traumatic events, they don’t need to delete them to feel better. Instead, these events should be understood and integrated in one’s life and story. We can change our past by creating a new understanding of what and why the event happened to us and by integrating a new meaning of it into our current experiences. This action allows us to give negative emotions and feelings a different perspective and hinders the process of victimisation that make us feel like “Poor me! Why did they do this to me?” or “I am such a failure and it’s because my parents didn’t love me when I was a child”. This also contributes to stopping certain toxic behaviours and relationships that we unconsciously repeat.

HOW TO DETECT AND EXPLAIN THESE TOXIC BEHAVIOURS?

Most of you have certainly heard about Sigmund Freud who I often mention in my articles. Freud is one of the first recognised authors within the field of Psychology that made the idea of childhood as a potential source of later mental health and behavioural issues popular. Probably many of you believe that some fears or personality traits we are not proud of come from our childhood. What will you think if I tell you that you are partially wrong?

WHY CHILDHOOD IS NOT THE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR PROBLEMS?

Childhood is not fully responsible for the difficulties we experience during adulthood. This is because we have responsibility about our own lives and we need to adapt to the changes we face. Adaptation is an essential quality that everybody needs to develop to reach a healthy and balanced lifestyle.

WHAT IS ADAPTATION?

It is one of the core processes in human evolution. I very much like the book “The origin of species” by English biologist Charles Darwin. From my understanding, Darwin teaches us that if specific species want to survive, they need to continually adapt to the changes of the environment they live in. It’s not the environment or the world that adapt to us – we need to adapt to them. When I was a psychology student, Darwin’s work around evolution helped me better understand child development.

Actually what happens is that children should first adapt to their mum’s behaviour, after that to their teacher and peers’ behaviour and when adults, to their partner and colleagues personalities and so on. Adaptation starts in childhood and accompanies each of us throughout our whole life.

Here some of you might think: Why me? Why should I take into account those around me? They need to pay attention to me?

You probably know the proverb: “What goes around comes around”. This means that if you want others to pay attention to you, you must do the same. Don’t expect to be treated like a prince or princess if you don’t treat your friends or peers in the same way.

Some of our problems are the result of wrong interpretations and understanding of our own behaviours or high expectations regarding the behaviours of others.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO ‘BENEFIT’ FROM NEGATIVE PAST SITUATIONS?

It’s simple. You probably know this famous quote by German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. The idea behind this is the following: the difficulties we continually experience throughout our life makes us move out of our comfort zone. When this happens, we first feel uncomfortable. Step by step we get use to the new situation and it becomes part of us. We feel stronger and our self-esteem is higher.

Many of you will not believe me but this process is inscribed in us and starts from birth. Have you ever thought why babies cry when they come into the world? Psychoanalysis gives an interesting explanation to this phenomenon. According to some psychoanalysts, babies cry because they leave their mum’s tummy which represents some kind of “perfect environment” to enter the real world to which they are unprepared. They need to make efforts and cry every time they want something simply because they can’t talk. With the first child, mums often don’t know what their baby’s cry exactly means. Is he/she hungry, cold or is he/she feeling some pain? Babies must adapt to their mothers’ incorrect answers. They don’t have a choice. This is called frustration. Adaptation and frustration often go together, and help us to develop our identity and makes us stronger every single day.

Now you see why we can’t and shouldn’t “delete” our negative past experiences. They are here to remind us that we have never stopped moving out of our comfort zone and this has made of us the individuals we are today.

A note from the author: this article explains things in general and refers to “classic” problems that children experience during childhood. It doesn’t treat emotionally charged situations or pathological contexts as child neglect, physical, emotional or sexual abuse. The above situations are complex and involve a range of internal and external factors that interact with each other. They can’t be generalised and are studied within academia, using rigorous methodologies.

Please note that Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and Psychodynamic Therapy will help you acquire the knowledge and reflection you need. Learn more about Psychodynamic Therapy here and about CBT here. Don't forget that you can work with me at home. Learn more about online psychotherapy here.

Don't hesitate to get in touch with me on: info@angelpsychology.com

With warm wishes,

Dr Ivanka Ezhova

Founder of Angel Psychological Therapy - Online Psychological Therapy